#1
January 01, 2020
Only a week of staying at home and witnessing the stagnation first-hand, that has come to become the only characteristic of my family that I can remember from my childhood, is the worst form of mental violence that I can ever be subjected to.
There is not just physical stagnation of things and people, but also a mental and emotional impasse that was hit when I was a child and has since, sustained. I can clearly remember that there was an implicit acceptance on the part of my parents that their fate was to struggle throughout their lives, nevermind for their children. My mother had to murder her ambitions and condone her aspirations of enjoying and celebrating her life like any other woman earning over Rs. 1,00,000 per month on her own would and should harbour, in view of my father being a daily drinker who would turn hostile towards her each night (not physically, only emotionally, finding flaws in every small thing in the house) despite earning virtually nothing on his own. I realised this very early on in my life that he was frustrated and dejected because of his own failures in life and that had led him to take recourse to alcohol which would serve as a catalyst for him to destroy the entire family's mood each night - nobody would want to talk to him and everybody just wished that he slept early but he simply would not comply with anything we wished or demanded. A few commercial ventures that he had sought to undertake failed miserably in view of poor business decisions and over-reliance over other people. He failed financially and that led him on a path where he would act in an irresponsible manner so as to have us believe often that he had also failed as a family man.
This bickering and a constant atmosphere of fear and everyday capitulation was what was ingrained as the first realisation that I had of my family.
What exacerbates the situation is that nobody wants or dares to change this status quo now - I have had the opportunity to stay away from home to study and I have evolved as a person on all fronts - mental, academic and professional and personality fronts. It's only on the emotional side that nothing has changed, despite my best efforts.
To accentuate the gravity of my situation, I would like to share that I have been on anti-depressants on a couple of occasions and still, nothing could change. Whatever little solace that I have found in the last few months is in meditation and in forming a resolve to take some strict, apathetic decisions in life a couple of years down the line.
The dedication to perform in accordance with the 'several plans' that I have is only another stress factor but that is necessary as the chances that I am always counting on are extremely slim. Failure is NOT an option.
I have always failed at comprehending- what is it that I precisely want in life? Sometimes I feel like I was born to lead in politics, other times I wonder if I should focus on earning a fortune in life. Finding love again did not factor in my life's priorities until late and on the majority of occasions, I just envisage myself leading a solitary life.
I think I have the answer today - my greatest achievement in life can only be to NOT repeat the failures of my parents. I must not fail in my professional life, must not kill any of my ambitions, must not stop learning and evolving & must not fail to be empathetic towards others and maybe then, only then, would I be able to successfully start and lead forward a family of my own.
I owe every material thing that I have to my parents but I also hold them, especially my father, responsible for all that I never had during my upbringing - none of which is material.
I have a responsibility to carry forward the legacy of the second name that I have been blessed with and I shall do whatever it takes, take any number of hard decisions that it may require, to achieve and realise that.
Only after having achieved all that I have in my mind, shall I reconcile with my family.
Signing off.
Only a week of staying at home and witnessing the stagnation first-hand, that has come to become the only characteristic of my family that I can remember from my childhood, is the worst form of mental violence that I can ever be subjected to.
There is not just physical stagnation of things and people, but also a mental and emotional impasse that was hit when I was a child and has since, sustained. I can clearly remember that there was an implicit acceptance on the part of my parents that their fate was to struggle throughout their lives, nevermind for their children. My mother had to murder her ambitions and condone her aspirations of enjoying and celebrating her life like any other woman earning over Rs. 1,00,000 per month on her own would and should harbour, in view of my father being a daily drinker who would turn hostile towards her each night (not physically, only emotionally, finding flaws in every small thing in the house) despite earning virtually nothing on his own. I realised this very early on in my life that he was frustrated and dejected because of his own failures in life and that had led him to take recourse to alcohol which would serve as a catalyst for him to destroy the entire family's mood each night - nobody would want to talk to him and everybody just wished that he slept early but he simply would not comply with anything we wished or demanded. A few commercial ventures that he had sought to undertake failed miserably in view of poor business decisions and over-reliance over other people. He failed financially and that led him on a path where he would act in an irresponsible manner so as to have us believe often that he had also failed as a family man.
This bickering and a constant atmosphere of fear and everyday capitulation was what was ingrained as the first realisation that I had of my family.
What exacerbates the situation is that nobody wants or dares to change this status quo now - I have had the opportunity to stay away from home to study and I have evolved as a person on all fronts - mental, academic and professional and personality fronts. It's only on the emotional side that nothing has changed, despite my best efforts.
To accentuate the gravity of my situation, I would like to share that I have been on anti-depressants on a couple of occasions and still, nothing could change. Whatever little solace that I have found in the last few months is in meditation and in forming a resolve to take some strict, apathetic decisions in life a couple of years down the line.
The dedication to perform in accordance with the 'several plans' that I have is only another stress factor but that is necessary as the chances that I am always counting on are extremely slim. Failure is NOT an option.
I have always failed at comprehending- what is it that I precisely want in life? Sometimes I feel like I was born to lead in politics, other times I wonder if I should focus on earning a fortune in life. Finding love again did not factor in my life's priorities until late and on the majority of occasions, I just envisage myself leading a solitary life.
I think I have the answer today - my greatest achievement in life can only be to NOT repeat the failures of my parents. I must not fail in my professional life, must not kill any of my ambitions, must not stop learning and evolving & must not fail to be empathetic towards others and maybe then, only then, would I be able to successfully start and lead forward a family of my own.
I owe every material thing that I have to my parents but I also hold them, especially my father, responsible for all that I never had during my upbringing - none of which is material.
I have a responsibility to carry forward the legacy of the second name that I have been blessed with and I shall do whatever it takes, take any number of hard decisions that it may require, to achieve and realise that.
Only after having achieved all that I have in my mind, shall I reconcile with my family.
Signing off.
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